Weddings are beautiful, magical, emotional. I enjoy watching the dreams of various friends come true as they marry. I happily celebrate alongside them and all their family and friends. But, at the same time, weddings make me sad. This may sound selfish, but I just can’t help it.
I attended an elegant Catholic wedding on Saturday and I loved seeing my friends so happy and in love. I was happy too—but that happiness was tinged with a sour feeling of sorrow. I know I’m not the only single girl out there who feels this way when she goes to a wedding. I know of girls who absolutely hate to attend weddings and usually refuse to go because of such feelings.
I watch my girlfriends get married to amazing guys who love them dearly. And then I wonder, where’s my wonderful guy? Will I ever find him? Does he even exist? I’m a good person. Generous. Caring. But the only relationship I have ever known is one of control and blackmail. I spent a number of years of my life with this person. And I have been free for 2 years now.
Why was I with this person for so long you ask? I honestly cannot explain it except to say that I lost myself and I didn’t know how to get away. I was afraid. Talking with a therapist helped me to rediscover my own independence and desires. I also created a motto for myself. This may seem silly, I know. But I came up with 3 simple words that I lived by, that I clung to so that I wouldn’t forget my goal of getting away—of finding joy again. “Freedom, Spirit and Joy.”
For a long time I played with the idea of tattooing those words on my wrist or my hip just so I would remember them. Those thoughts were during the dark days. I believed that the pain of getting a tattoo would etch those words into my memory for all time. Finally, I did get away (sans tattooing) and I have recovered my former self.
When I tell people this story, they look at me with surprise and say they did not expect someone like me could be in such a situation because I seem like a strong and independent person—which is how my mother raised me. But somehow, it happened anyway.
Despite everything, I still want to find my soul mate. I still believe in the idea of a soul mate. Sometimes I wonder if I want too much, if someone could actually be all of the things I wish for—or if all of these things were too much for one person to embody. I sometimes ponder settling.
Once, I thought I met the perfect person. Things didn’t work out. But meeting him at least encourages me to hope that there is someone out there who is everything I hope for and more.
Wedding season is hard for any single girl to get through, especially if you have to go to all the weddings alone and don’t really know the other guests. But don’t let that get you down. The husbands that my girlfriends have all found fulfill all of their dreams and desires in a partner. And that thought gives me hope. Some days it’s hard, but I still believe that the perfect person is out there for all of us. And no matter how many weddings I sit through alone, I will not yield to anything less than the best and neither should you.