I really like Christmas music. I must confess that I started listening to it sometime in November while I was sitting at my desk knee-deep in editing work. I don’t normally do this. But for some reason, even though it hasn’t even gotten cold yet here in KC, I was already feeling Christmas-y.

There used to be a number of local radio stations that played Christmas music around the clock at this time of year. And I have to say, I was a big fan of this. Now there is only one. And sometimes I tune in. But, I’m an even bigger fan of Internet radio stations like Pandora and Slacker because I can program a personal station to leave out my least favorite songs. And that’s putting it mildly. The songs I avoid are ones that I absolutely despise.

Christmas songs are funny like that. When you like a song, you absolutely love it. But when you dislike one, you completely loathe it (and it always comes on while you’re listening). There really is no middle ground when it comes to Christmas songs.

And that’s what today’s post is about: the most terrible Christmas songs ever written (in my opinion). These songs are the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me. So please, if we’re ever hanging out and listening to Christmas music, refrain from playing these if you would like us to continue being friends.

5. That Alvin and the Chipmunks version of Christmas Time

I figured out how to make records sound like The Chipmunks when I was a little kid. It’s not as hard as everyone thinks. I had a kiddie record player with a higher speed setting. Back then, it was funny to make the records go faster than they were intended. It’s not funny anymore. This song really grates my ears whenever I hear it. Please make it go away.

4. The Christmas Shoes

Yes the holidays are full of happy memories and songs. And presents. Stuff. Superficial things. Maybe that’s why this person thought a song full of depressing images would really stand out. Really all they did was put a damper on the season.

Please someone tell me why it’s necessary to play this atrocious song. I find myself incredibly depressed every time I hear it. There are an infinite number of better ways to remind people to be thankful for what they have and to help others. I promise. Ugh.

3. Santa Baby

I don’t like any version of this song out there. And frankly, this song makes me quite angry. It smacks of the gluttonous excess of Christmas and professes nothing but greed. Sure Christmas has been incredibly secularized and with Black Friday and the “hot toys” for the season, the materialistic side of this holiday has been really amped up. But come on. If you’d like, I could sing you the list of things I would buy if I won the lottery in a sexy voice. It’d be the same thing. Except I’d pick cooler stuff to sing about.

2. Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer

This song is just bad. I hate it.

1. I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You’re not getting an effing hippopotamus for Christmas or any other holiday. So quit asking.